Sorrow Held Within
Tap. Tap.
The elf's shoes sounded through the corridors of Count Pelgaroin's castle.
Theorad had left the carriage in the middle of the day. Evening had come and gone without his return, so she had set out to find him herself.
She had searched the stables, chapels, parlors, dining rooms, training grounds, courtyards, gardens and ramparts—even the synagogues. Everywhere Theorad might have gone, she had looked. There was no sign of him.
The longer he remained missing, the more uneasy she grew. Unease gave rise to a suspicion, and suspicion drove her onward.
Tap.
She stopped before a door. It was neither ostentatious nor shabby, but old and dignified, the sort of door that belonged in a great noble house.
Ashley de Pelgaroin…
This was Ashley's room. If Theorad had disappeared somewhere inside the castle, surely this was the one place he was likely to be.
Still, the elf did not think they could actually have done anything intimate. Theorad considered chastity before marriage a matter of course. As the daughter of a prestigious family, Ashley ought to have felt the same. They could not possibly have slept together.
Reassured by her own reasoning, the elf reached for the doorknob.
“Master…”
But then she heard voices.
—“What about you, Ashley?”
—“Me too… It was good.”
Her hearing, so much keener than a human's, had brought her the very thing she least wanted to hear.
Theorad and Ashley laughed together on the other side of the door. The elf's hand shook against the knob.
“…Master.”
Her shoulders trembled, and her voice fell flat. Had the two of them really slept together? She wanted to deny it. But why else would they be exchanging such words and laughter alone in Ashley's bedroom?
Still…
Perhaps she'd misunderstood. Nothing might have happened at all. Perhaps they were merely having a pleasant conversation.
She tightened her grip. If she opened the door and looked inside, she could put the question to rest.
Yet her hand would not turn the knob.
What if she opened it and found Theorad and Ashley lying naked together?
I don't know…
Her mind emptied. Her breathing grew quick. Through the door came another burst of laughter and the sound of their playful voices.
Theorad sounded happy—happier than she had ever heard him while he was with her. The lightness of his laughter hurt in a way she could scarcely bear.
After a long, rigid silence, she let go of the handle.
Better not to know. If she never opened the door, she could go on clinging to the smallest possibility that nothing had occurred. It was a poor defense against hurt, but it was the only one she had.
…Enough.
She told herself again and again that she had no reason to concern herself with the whereabouts of a mere toy. Then she turned away.
Her steps were strangely heavy. Her shoulders sagged, her pointed ears drooped, and the corridor kept blurring before her eyes.
Why am I like this…?
It did not matter where her toy went or what he did. She could ignore him. She knew that. Why, then, did her foolish body refuse to obey?
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and turned the corner. Tonight the moonlight seemed cruelly bright. Biting her lower lip, she walked on until she could no longer hear Theorad laughing.
Count Pelgaroin's castle, courtyard.
I couldn't leave the elf waiting any longer. After parting from Ashley, I went back to the carriage.
Under the full moon, the carriage with its cardinal pattern stood where it had been left. As I approached, the coachman gave his usual greeting and opened the door.
The elf was already sitting inside. She couldn't have been pleased by such a long wait.
I cleared my throat, climbed in and settled beside her, straightening my clothing. The coachman shut the door and set the carriage moving.
Rumble, rumble…
Even after we passed through the castle entrance and crossed the drawbridge, the elf said nothing. Ordinarily she would have scolded me for being late or demanded to know what I'd been doing with Ashley.
I stole a look at her profile, wondering whether she had something in mind, but her expression told me nothing. There was only a gloom about her that made me uneasy. Perhaps it was the moonlight through the window, but her complexion seemed worse than usual.
Is she angry because I'm late?
I'd stepped away around noon, saying I had some business to attend to, and hadn't returned until evening. Anyone would have had reason to be annoyed. There was no excuse for my thoughtlessness.
“A-are you all right?”
No answer. She turned her eyes toward the window as if deliberately ignoring me.
That settled it. She was angry about being kept waiting. I ought to explain.
There was no way I could tell her I'd been delayed because I'd slept with Ashley. But I could at least offer another account of why I'd been gone so long.
“I'm sorry I took so long. It's just—”
“I don't want to hear it.”
The words cut like a knife. I stared, then thought better of continuing. Any explanation would only provoke her further.
I nodded awkwardly, leaned back and took a book of poetry from inside my coat. Her manner was harsher than usual, but a quiet journey to the Mage Tower might not be such a bad thing. I opened the book.
Rumble, rumble…
I turned several pages before something about her reply began to trouble me. I closed the book.
When she'd said she didn't want to hear it, I'd thought there was something more than her usual coldness in her voice. Had it sounded… sad?
I turned toward the window, where her face appeared in reflection. Beneath the silver hair shining in the moonlight, her red eyes were half-closed. She did indeed look sorrowful.
“No, my lady! Please, let me do that for you!”
Ashley shook her head at the head maid's protests. The maid could see no reason for her mistress to carry a caged messenger bird all the way up the castle tower herself merely to send a letter. But Ashley could hardly explain that she was secretly working with Fred, her second brother and the leader of the rebels.
“It's fine. Go on downstairs. I'm climbing because I want a walk.”
“What? I can't let you do that, my lady! Not while I'm here!”
The head maid's face pinched with determination. Ashley stuck out her tongue and continued up the spiral staircase, the maid still accompanying her.
The soreness left by her first experience with Theorad had not yet faded. Her legs trembled with each step, but she could bear that much.
About halfway up the tower she heard footsteps coming from above. A Pelgaroin soldier was descending after his turn on guard duty.
His shoulders gave a little jump when he saw her. After a moment of embarrassment, he offered a broad smile.
“Lady Ashley! What brings you up the tower?”
“I thought I'd take a walk.”
“Ah, I see. Summer is almost upon us, but the nights are still chilly. Do be careful. There are windbreaks at the top of the tower if you need one.”
“Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.”
“I'm glad I could be of help!”
He saluted. Ashley acknowledged him, and he bowed before heading down the stairs.
Once his footsteps had faded, she sighed and looked toward the head maid.
“It seems the captain of the guard isn't supervising the soldiers properly.”
“Why do you say that?”
“The guards aren't due to change shifts yet. If they've changed half an hour early, someone may be abusing seniority to make others take his duty.”
“Oh. Then…”
“And that soldier's hands were strangely clean. The first night watch is supposed to inspect the artillery on the walls. If he'd checked the cannons properly, his hands wouldn't have been spotless.”
There was more she could have said, but talking through every suspicion with the maid would accomplish little. In the morning she would report what she'd observed to the captain of the guard.
Ashley continued upward. At last she reached the tower's end, opened the door, and walked out along the rampart. She didn't care for the cool wind against her face.
She stopped to look down at the city spread out in the moonlight.
Houses without number, outlying districts, a stream flowing through the streets, and a vast square with a fountain and warp gate at its center all came together in a magnificent view. Life crowded the avenues laid out by generations of careful planning. The territory's capital was so large it might have been a small kingdom in its own right.
This was the land the head of House Pelgaroin would rule.
The country of Pelgaroin.
Ashley yearned for the future in which she would hold that family's power—power great enough that even the emperor could not lightly interfere. In that future Theorad would be beside her, free of the elf's threats and schemes, smiling as he ought to smile.
She had to gain control of House Pelgaroin, whatever it cost. It was the only way she could see to rescue him.
After contemplating the city for a while, Ashley opened the cage she'd set down on the battlements. A letter addressed to Fred, the leader of the rebels, was fastened to the messenger pigeon's leg.
“Go.”
The pigeon fluttered out. It dipped dangerously at first, then caught itself, spread its wings and began to fly straight.
Ashley watched it disappear before turning once more toward the city. Along the broad avenue leading to the square and its warp gate, a four-wheeled carriage was moving through the night.
Theorad might be inside. She followed it with her eyes, smiling sadly.
Theorad…
Please arrive safely. And though it would be difficult, please endure a little longer.
When this year had passed, around this time next year…
I, the Countess of Pelgaroin…
I will give it to you.