Even If Everyone Else Denies Me (5)
The elf sat on the villa steps and watched Benelia ride away on her white horse.
Her crow familiar flew after the princess, flapping hard to catch up. The elf had severed their mental connection.
Silence settled over the grounds, and with it came unease. The rain had stopped. Insects had begun to sing in the grass, their thin voices rising together, but she hardly heard them.
“…”
She played with her fingers, her eyes half-closed. Beneath the steps the ground was churned into mud by the horse's hooves, and rainwater had gathered in the hollows.
Even the little pools seemed lonely today.
She buried her forehead against her knees.
I…
She had done what Ashley asked. She had entered the Black Dogs' stronghold and annihilated its assassins, sparing only one person to carry word of what happened to the other hideouts.
If the attack was meant to atone for her past wrongs, she had fulfilled her part.
Yet she remained uncertain.
Can I really be forgiven?
She had committed unforgivable acts against Theorad. She had treated him as a toy, tormented him, and done as she pleased. No honest consideration of the past could make that right.
And still Theorad had come to save her.
She understood the Quarantined Night well enough to know what that rescue had demanded of him: years beyond counting, perhaps a terrible lifetime spent wandering in another person's consciousness.
Theorad wasn't wearing his bracelet…
He must have removed the protective ornament to interfere with her past. He had known what that meant for him and gone ahead anyway.
Remember me.
Of all the moments in her past he had changed, she could recall that one most clearly.
He had taken on the role of a villain to keep her from ending her life and to give her a reason to live. The role had been a pretense, but his words had carried her through the years that followed.
That care, that precious affection she had never received before, meant everything to her.
She wanted to remain beside him. To live with the warmth he gave her. To love him.
But…
She could not know whether Theorad would accept her feelings.
Understanding what someone had endured and forgiving what they had done were two different matters. Once she admitted that her mind had returned, he might be troubled enough to send her back to the Great Forest.
She had been too afraid to enter the villa since returning. If she went inside, she would have to face him.
Wouldn't it be easier to leave now? Then I wouldn't have to hear him say he hates me…
The villa door opened behind her.
The elf started, but did not turn around. If it was Theorad, she had no idea what she would say.
“…You're back.”
A woman's voice.
It was Ashley. The elf let out an unsteady breath as Ashley approached and sat beside her without another word.
For a while they listened to the small sounds around the villa: insects in the grass, animals stirring in the brush, branches swaying, servants talking faintly through distant windows. A cool breeze moved over the damp earth.
Ashley brushed the windblown hair from her face.
“I've given this a great deal of thought.”
The elf's fingers twitched against her knees. She feared another demand to leave Theorad.
“At first, I thought nothing could make me forgive you,” Ashley said. “Perhaps that was jealousy. Perhaps I simply couldn't bear the thought of Sir Theorad caring for another woman.”
“Ashley, I…”
“But I know now that I've been trying to force my own wishes on everyone. I don't know everything that passed between you and Sir Theorad, but I can see how precious you are to him. It's there in the way he speaks to you, the way he behaves, the way he looks at you.”
The elf fell silent.
“And you've told me you love him. After all, who would give their life for someone they didn't love? I don't want to force my wishes on you anymore.”
A faint, conflicted smile crossed Ashley's face. There was gratitude in it, and jealousy too; she could still hate what the elf had done and wish her well.
“I can't deliberately destroy something that makes Theorad happy.”
She turned and placed her hand gently over the elf's.
“So stop watching me for permission. If you have something to tell him, don't run away. Go inside. He's probably still in the drawing room, now that the princess has gone.”
“I… do I have the right…?”
“Then would you rather give up and leave? Are you saying you could live without ever seeing Theorad again?”
The elf pressed her lips together and shook her head. Fleeing without ever learning how he felt would leave a wound she could never mend.
“Then you know what to do. Get up. Go and see him. It's the only way forward.”
The elf raised her tear-bright red eyes.
“Why… why are you helping me?”
Ashley did not consider it much help. She was only giving a frightened woman the push she needed.
And yet the elf looked bewildered by her kindness.
Ashley herself did not entirely understand it. She simply could not bear to imagine Theorad's grief if the elf disappeared without saying goodbye.
“…Because I'm no different from you.”
She looked toward the trees shifting in the breeze and spoke softly.
“I love Theorad too.”
After Benelia left, Theorad began putting the drawing room back in order.
He could have called the servants, but they were finally resting, and he did not want to summon them back to work. He took the wine and glasses to the kitchen, returned to clear the table, and heard rapid footsteps coming down the corridor.
They stopped abruptly nearby.
He tucked his handkerchief into his coat and turned toward the sound.
“Ah…!”
The elf vanished behind the corner.
Is she playing a game?
Amused, Theorad approached quietly and peeked around the corner.
There she stood against the wall, hands clasped over her chest, breathing hard. Her face was flushed.
There's been so much rain lately…
Has she caught a cold?
Theorad reached out and rested a hand on her forehead. The elf startled and backed away.
He smiled at her reaction.
“What frightened you? It's not as though I'm going to eat you.”
“Ah… I…”
“Unless you want me to?”
He raised his hands like claws and put on his fiercest face.
“Rrraah!”
It was his best imitation of a lion. In his own judgment, an excellent one.
He expected the elf to retreat so he could chase her in play. Instead she blinked at him.
The lack of response made him feel foolish. He cleared his throat and straightened the brooch at his neck.
“…Sorry. What brings you here? Weren't you having fun with the girls?”
“That's not…”
“Oh, I see! Playing with me is more fun. Very well. I have work, but I'll set it aside for you. Today I even folded a stag beetle out of paper. It's my secret—”
“Master, please stop.”
Theorad fell silent.
He had not expected her to refuse. Had he done something to upset her?
Before he could propose another game, she spoke again.
“My mind has returned. I'm all right now. I remember everything from the mansion. You don't have to keep treating me like that. And if you wish it, I'll go back to the Great Forest…”
Theorad stepped forward.
Before the startled elf could retreat, he gathered her into a warm embrace.
She froze against him. Of all the responses she had imagined, this was not one.
“Ah… I meant…”
Had she failed to explain herself? Did he still think she was a child?
She tried again, but he held her close.
“Thank you for telling me the truth. I was afraid you'd never recover your memories. I even blamed myself, thinking I might have made a mistake during the treatment. You can't know how relieved I am.”
“Theorad…”
“It's all right now. I'm alive, and you've regained your memories. We don't need to suffer over this any longer. Let's go home.”
He hugged her more tightly.
“To Deharem Mansion. Where everyone is waiting.”
There were tears in his voice. He did not try to hide his relief or joy.
The elf bit her lip to keep from crying.
“Yes,” she whispered. “Let's go home…”
For that moment, she could scarcely have been happier.