Afterstory: The Warmest Winter in the World (14)

Theorad had heard Benelia speak his name, but he couldn't bring himself to respond.

It wasn't simply her dress or her makeup. Why was the emperor standing unescorted outside Deharem Mansion when she was supposed to be attending his birthday banquet at the villa?

He could think of no explanation.

Benelia's tentative smile faded as she watched him.

“The emperor speaks, and you don't so much as stir. Is that doorknob your new wife?”

“Pardon? Ah…”

Only then did Theorad realize that he was still gripping the door handle. He released it, closed the door behind him, and bowed with a hand to his chest.

“Forgive this humble subject for his rudeness, Your Majesty—”

“You are not humble.”

He froze. Before he could ask what she meant, Benelia went on, her tone unusually sharp.

“Didn't you hear me? You're not some lowly creature, so stop greeting me as though you were one.”

She didn't want him to put that distance between them.

But Theorad had only offered the respect any subject owed the emperor. Her anger bewildered him. Had he committed some offense without knowing it?

He raised his head cautiously.

Benelia sighed, turned away, and began to walk.

“The moon is bright tonight. Walk with me.”

Her heels made a measured sound against the path. He couldn't help noticing how unfamiliar it was to see her wearing such shoes.

She paused and glanced back.

“Well? Aren't you coming?”

“At once, Your Majesty.”

He descended the steps and caught up. Only when he reached her side did she start walking again.

But where is her escort?

He looked around. There were no guards anywhere.

As though she had anticipated the question, Benelia spoke first.

“There's a reason you don't see any guards. I rode here alone, in secret.”

Theorad stared at her.

“In that gown?”

“I used a sidesaddle. It wasn't especially comfortable, but it was manageable.”

“I wasn't questioning your skill on horseback. But Your Majesty is the ruler of the empire. If someone saw you traveling alone, without protection…”

“Spare me your worrying.”

She gave him a narrowed look.

“As you said, I rule this empire. Are you suggesting I can't walk about my own country as I please?”

“…No, Your Majesty. That isn't what I meant.”

“Enough. I didn't come here to discuss tedious matters of state.”

Theorad almost protested, but stopped. She knew the risks as well as he did. Continuing to lecture her would accomplish nothing.

They walked in silence.

The winter insects were quiet; no birds sang. Only the irregular sounds of their shoes on the path disturbed the night.

Benelia disliked the awkwardness more than she cared to admit. Gathering her courage, she tried to speak.

“I…”

Her next words came with difficulty.

“I came to confess something to you.”

Theorad stopped. Benelia stopped too, drawing a long breath. She kept her back to him, her exposed shoulders suddenly looking strangely vulnerable.

“Viscount Theorad.”

Then she said what he had not expected to hear.

“I am still in love with you.”

Silence settled around them.

For a moment Theorad could do nothing but stare. He was embarrassed, confused, and afraid of what her confession might demand of him.

Benelia didn't know how he felt. She had decided that if she failed to speak now, she might lose the chance forever.

“You may think I'm pathetic. You may even call this love dirty. But I can no longer pretend these feelings don't exist.”

“Your Majesty…”

“Keep quiet and listen until I've finished. You'll have your chance to answer afterward.”

The command made him fall silent. Even here, her rank brought a weight he could not entirely ignore.

Benelia swallowed and went on.

“At first, I tried to forget you.”

Five years earlier, she had written to Ashley asking for permission to have an affair with Theorad. Ashley had refused outright.

Benelia had expected nothing less. All the same, the reality of it had chilled her to the bone. She had sat motionless for half a day after reading the reply.

Rereading the letter would never turn refusal into permission. She tried to bury her feelings beneath the demands of government, filling every hour with work or distractions.

It hadn't helped.

“After that, I thought I might simply erase it.”

Further refusals had left her desperate enough to summon an astrologer. If she could remove the memory that bound her to Theorad, perhaps the longing would finally subside.

She hadn't intended to forget Theorad altogether. It was the memory of the time she had shared with him inside that strange illusion that she wanted erased.

Without those moments, she thought, perhaps she could look upon him as an ordinary friend again.

But the more certain she became that forgetting would free her, the more frightened she grew.

Can I really throw away something so precious?

She spent the night wrestling with herself. When the astrologer finally arrived, she sent the practitioner away.

She could not bear to go through with it.

“Every attempt failed. In the end, all I can think about is you.”

She couldn't forget him. She couldn't drive him from her heart.

“You've taken the most important place in my heart, and I can't make you leave it.”

Rare treasures arrived from foreign lands, and her first impulse was to show them to Theorad—to see his curiosity and share his delight.

When the palace staff brought exquisite clothing and jewelry for her approval, she imagined dressing in them for his eyes.

A delicious meal, a beautiful view, an amusing story: each became another occasion to wonder what it would be like if Theorad stood beside her.

Even the romance novels she loved betrayed her. She began to imagine him in the hero's place, and herself as the woman he cherished.

Eventually she closed her book and made a decision.

She would speak to Theorad's wives herself.

“So at noon today, I went to them and made a spectacle of myself.”

In the castle drawing room, before Ashley and Linea, Benelia had dropped to her knees.

The emperor of the realm, before whom princes bowed, knelt and confessed that she loved Theorad with all her heart. She told them she would never forget him for as long as she lived.

She also promised that if either woman refused, she would not appear before them again.

Ashley and Linea had listened in stunned silence. They considered her words for a long time.

At last they acknowledged the sincerity of a love she had continued to express for five years, and they gave her permission to seek a relationship with Theorad—if he himself chose to accept her.

“They are good women,” Benelia said. “I asked something terribly selfish of them, and they gave me their permission. But…”

Their permission was not Theorad's answer. That was the only answer that truly mattered now.

Benelia controlled her trembling breath and turned to face him. In her golden eyes, she could see his confusion reflected.

“If you refuse me, none of it will matter.”

A breeze lifted a strand of her dark hair. The moon caught in her eyes; for all her splendor, she looked nothing like the fearless emperor.

“Viscount Theorad…”

Her breath clouded white in the cold. She clasped her hands before her chest and spoke so quietly that he could barely hear.

“Would you… let me hold you?”

The question carried five years of longing. She bit her lip and lowered her gaze, scarcely able to endure the silence that followed.

“Your Majesty.”

His gentle voice made her flinch.

“Speak.”

“Is this a request you're making as the emperor?”

“No. I'm asking as a woman.”

“Then does it have a deadline?”

“How could love possibly have a deadline?”

“I see. In that case, I know what I must say.”

He's going to refuse me.

Her fists loosened. She was already struggling to breathe around the disappointment when he spoke again.

“Benelia.”

Hearing her name without a title made her heart leap.

He stepped closer.

“Love isn't something you can produce with a single request. I can't say that I love you now.”

Her eyes filled. Theorad took a handkerchief from his pocket.

“But… I may feel differently in the future.”

He gently dabbed at the tears gathering beneath her eyes.

Benelia stared, unable to understand.

“What… do you mean?”

“You're rather slow to catch on. It means I'll grant your request.”

“R-really?”

“Yes. From now on, let's see each other often enough that it becomes troublesome.”

She wanted to laugh for joy, but her vision blurred instead. Her carefully composed expression broke apart.

“You… you bastard. Why do you suddenly have to speak so casually…?”

“Didn't you say you were asking as a woman? Then I'm answering as a man.”

She tried to retort. Instead, a sob escaped.

Benelia buried her face against Theorad's chest and wrapped both arms tightly around his waist, as though she could hide her tears there.

She couldn't stop crying.

So, for a little longer, Theorad put aside the fact that he stood with the emperor of the realm. Under the brilliant stars, he held her close and soothed her gently.

He could only imagine how much pain she had carried through the last five years.